Money and Romance pt 1

About 1/3 of couples report having conflict in their relationship over money.

So whether you’re in a relationship, or single, it probably would be good to know how to talk about money with your partner in a healthy way.

Katey and I have had some big blowout fights over money, I’ll share a couple in this email.

And I’ll share some of the key things that have really helped us.

This is a complex topic, so don’t expect me to cover everything in detail here. In fact, I’m going to try and cover this over a few emails.

My aim in sharing this is to help you build a more collaborative and fulfilling relationship.

Instead of one where one of you is the parent and you lose that romantic spark.

Understanding Individual Money Mindsets

Each of us has a unique “money lens” shaped by our upbringing, culture, life experiences, and even childhood memories.

We have invisible scripts that are artificially constructed and tell you what you should do, need to do, or can’t do. For example:

“Debt is a normal part of life.”

“Rich people are greedy.”

All of these scripts shape how we spend, save and talk about money.

When we come together, we bring our own unique money story to the relationship.

For me, spending makes me anxious because growing up money was always tight.

Whereas Katey doesn’t have that same anxiety. She’s not a big spender, but she doesn’t get anxious over spending money.

As a result we would have conversations where I think Katey is being irresponsible with our money. And Katey wonders why I am so cheap.

Things That Have Helped Us

1. Name the Root Cause: What emotions come up when you think about money today—guilt, pride, fear? Underneath these emotions, there is typically something deeper. Bringing awareness to these emotions helps you slow down and understand what’s really going on.

2. Openly Share Your Money History: Talk about your money upbringing in a non-judgmental setting. It’s not about criticizing each other’s experiences; it’s about understanding each other’s roots.

3. Acknowledge Differences Without Blame: Different mindsets aren’t “wrong”—they just are. By understanding each other’s money mindset, you can approach finances as a team rather than opponents.

4. Create New Scripts Together: Once you both recognize your patterns, you can rewrite them. For example: “We value experiences over things” or “We prioritize investing in our future.”

Real Story From Our Relationship

In 2020 Katey and I were living together in our first home.

Despite making a ton of progress on our finances and being in a position where we could invest over 20% of our money, I still had a ton of financial baggage.

Katey and I would often fight over what she was spending money on. Not because she spent a lot, but because any amount would trigger me.

The breaking point was when Katey came home with a GoMacro bar and we had a big blowout fight. Despite me quickly realizing how crazy I was, the damage was done.

[Name] I spent a few months diving deep into my own psyche to understand why that $3 spend had me so uptight. I realized that the thought of going broke brought on feelings of being alone and undesirable.

[Share] The increased self-awareness helped me control my emotions and have real discussions about why I was feeling so strongly about the spending.

[Acknowledge] It helped Katey understand me more and it gave her insights into me as a person that she could use to help me feel confident that $3 wasn’t going to break us and that even if we lost it all, she wasn’t going anywhere.

[Create New Scripts] Not only did this help change the script, “Nobody will want me if I am broke.” but it also kicked off our first-ever couples budget. Where we started to budget “our” money instead of my and your money.

Was this helpful?

I haven’t written something like in my previous emails, so curious if I’m going down the wrong track here.

If you like it, pt 2 was going to be about how you can develop a conscious spending plan.

Hope you have a great week!

Also, if you’re looking to create a budget as a team, this is my favorite budgeting app for couples! - Monarch Money